Loose Lips: Call it the 'Spinal Tap' defense

Keith G. Wagner, attorney for the anti-Wal-Mart distribution center folks, dashed off a handful of cases he's fought since earning his law degree in 2000, part of his speech at a recent meeting of the group Merced Alliance for Responsible Growth.

There was trouble in Paradise when Wal-Mart wanted to build a supercenter in the town's gateway. OK, that was the only pun he cracked.

But he said he was also involved in battles in Concord and Stockton.

Sure, he may take on the world's largest retailer, but he left out the real behemoth he took on. The real juggernaut that ruins people's lives.

Yes. The DMV.

Lips did a little sleuthing that we like to call a Google search and learned Wagner traded blows in 2007 with everyone's favorite government agency -- after the IRS, of course.

Wagner's Toyota hybrid (what else would an environmental attorney drive?) sported a license plate that read "UP 2 11."

Seems some motorist decided it meant "go to hell" and ratted the pony-tailed driver to the state, which asked that he return the offensive plate.

Wagner sent back a 27-page retort, explaining that it's a reference to the mockumentary film, "This Is Spinal Tap."

One of the rock band's guitarists boasts that the knobs on one of his amps go to 11. The filmmaker asks why they don't just make 10 louder.

The guitarist pauses and seems to ponder the question and replies, "These go to 11."

Besides a two-page explanation with a hint of snark, Wagner included a transcript from the movie and photocopies of "Bible Numerics" to prove that "11" isn't somehow Satanic.

Lips put in a couple phone calls to Wagner to find out if he succeeded in defeating the jolly red-tape giant. We never heard back. If he did whip the DMV, Wal-Mart should be scared, very scared.

We r the gov't, r here 2 help

What's a laid-off Mercedian to do? Jobs are drying up faster than the state's water reserves. Fortunately, the government's here to help you in 140 characters or less. Talk about cutting down on paper! Yes, Uncle Sam's benefits division is jumping into the technology du jour, Twitter. You can find it at www.twitter.com/GovBenefitsGOV. Yes, it repeats "gov." Shouldn't you expect such redundancy?

For the uninitiated, this service is called microblogging. Think of it as sending a text message that's immediately posted on the Internet. Perhaps it will revolutionize the media landscape. Or maybe it's the Web's "Macarena."

Lips can only hope that if the government is signing up, Twitter's 15 minutes of fame are ... 58 seconds, 59 seconds, wait for it ... over.

Loose Lips can be reached at editor@mercedsun-star.com.

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