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Tuesday, Dec. 29, 2009

Laughter in law enforcement: The wackiest arrests in 2009

There's some humor in these bizarre incidents from the cop log

Every year, a few crime stories always make readers laugh, wince, cringe and cry out in disbelief.

And 2009 was no different. From an escaped inmate who fled his bride-to-be, to an alleged jailhouse shiv smuggler, there's always enough oddball reports to keep cops and Sun-Star reporters busy. The following is a small selection of 2009 Merced County stories off the beaten orbit of predictable behavior.

In the end, he had a point

It's a known fact in law enforcement that a common way for inmates to smuggle contraband into a jail is to "keister" stash it. That generally involves inserting an item into the rectum to get it past corrections officials.

Merced County sheriff's officials said inmate Rance Johnson tried doing that in November with a 5-inch-long homemade knife, otherwise known as a "shiv."

What makes Johnson's story so unusual isn't that he allegedly smuggled the shiv into the Merced County Jail -- but that he carried it inside his body for a whopping three weeks. According to the sheriff's department, Johnson finally came forward after suffering pain and discomfort from not being able to extract the weapon from his bottom.

The shiv was eventually surgically removed by doctors in Modesto. Johnson was given additional charges for allegedly smuggling the knife into the jail. He was already in jail on suspicion of shooting a 17-year-old male in September.

Not a very smooth criminal

The death of the King of Pop touched many lives -- and Merced County sheriff's deputies say inmate Jeffrey Salery was one of them.

Salery, 50, allegedly didn't look kindly on a 21-year-old fellow inmate who made a rude crack about Michael Jackson in the wake of his death. Investigators say Salery attacked the man after hearing the comment, breaking his jaw.

Although Salery has since denied the accusations, deputies say he admitted hitting the inmate, angered that he disrespected Jackson.

Salery, who was already in jail on narcotics charges, remains behind bars. His next hearing is scheduled for Jan. 6.

And after all is said and done, maybe Salery will look at the "Man in the Mirror."

Crack pipe

A 23-year-old Planada man accused of a stabbing was arrested by sheriff's deputies in November -- allegedly with a meth pipe clenched between his buttocks.

Deputies said they found the pipe inside the pants of suspect Daniel Saldana while he was being taken into custody.

When deputies with the Merced sheriff's STAR team arrived at the Planada residence where Saldana was staying, he fled on foot through the back of the house. Two deputies chased Saldana for about two blocks. He was finally Tasered by one of the deputies and arrested, according to the sheriff's department.

The pipe allegedly was found in his nether cheeks after the bust.

Saldana was wanted for allegedly stabbing a man in Planada. He was also a suspect in a stolen vehicle pursuit and wanted by state parole officials for a parole violation.

He's being held without bail.

He raced the law -- and the law won

Like smoking and watching episodes of "Jersey Shore," drag racing the cops can be bad for your health.

Case in point: Thirty-year-old Christopher Eppler, who in September thought it would be a good idea to race Deputy Nicole Ramos. Ramos was stopped at a red light at Shaffer Road and Bellevue Avenue. For reasons unknown, Eppler, who was driving a 1999 Ford Windstar, pulled next to her marked patrol car, according to the sheriff's department.

When the light turned green, Eppler took off, reaching speeds in excess of 80 mph.