Merced County's Star-Spangled mess

Here's a completely un-American thought: Let's scrap the Star-Spangled Banner.

Just get rid of it.

Not altogether, of course. That would be grounds for treason. Only Nicholas Cage can make a national treasure vanish that quickly -- and he needed Hollywood.

Let's just eliminate it from our daily sports palette. That and the mascot, please.

The two add-ons have run their course and, sadly, both have become entertaining for all the wrong reasons.

Spectators shouldn't double-over in laughter or shoot Mountain Dew streams from their nose during The Hymn, then sit completely still and quiet while the mascot's running around like a goof.

Wouldn't you agree that there's something backwards about that?

It's time to correct the problem by doing away with the two.

What's my beef with the anthem?

Well...

It's possible that sports' biggest gamble isn't a foolish fourth-down try like the Patriots' gutsy call against the Colts last season, or leaving a tired arm in to pitch to a dangerous slugger like Albert Pujols or Alex Rodriguez.

Sports' riskiest roll of the dice may be the only thing we know to be true and ever-lasting, a fiber in the fabric of America's history: the Star-Spangled Banner.

Or is it Star-Mangled Banner?

The national anthem has played an active role in our games since baseball adopted the ritualistic practice after World War II.

And for the last 60-plus years, it's been both a source of pride and humiliation at every level of competition -- from the pros down to the preps.

In its finest form, the song is the ideal complement to the energy and explosiveness of a football, volleyball, baseball or basketball game.

The goosebumps and chills seem to quell the butterflies, flipping that metaphorical switch in an athlete's mind from pregame to game time.

The slow climb to the finish -- "and the hooooommmme of the ...." -- set to a backdrop of raised helmets is a scene so beautiful and rich you'd swear it was HD.

But for every Whitney Houston or Carrie Underwood, there is a Roseanne Barr or Carl Lewis. Did you know that, according to a 2004 Harris Poll, only 61 percent of Americans know all the words to the beloved song?

And believe me, in my travels, I've witnessed a number of forgettable renditions that have left me waffling on the sing-a-long's place in the sporting arena.

Listen, the really gripping action -- that drama we all yearn for -- shouldn't take place before the starting lineups have been announced.

You think missing the game-winning free throw in the waning seconds is disappointment and tragedy personified?

Please.

You don't know panic until you've glossed over an entire verse in the one song you should know front to back.

Or how about when the words run together like a throaty, spit-flying car accident, leaving you thinking, "Did he just say, 'whose bra straps and bright stars?' "

I don't know how to sing, but I can diagnose the problem:

Half the amateur singers think they're auditioning for "American Idol." Half the amateur singers think a good note depends on how much body language you put into it.

And then there's the ultimate injustice, reason No. 1 why America needs a separation of sport and state: the pre-recorded anthem, which appears to be a big hit in Valley gymnasiums.

It's as though we recognize the problem -- that no one can sing it dependably -- but choose to fake it.

What if the CD skips?

What if there's a technical problem?

At least if her mic gives out, you can still hear Screamin' Susan reach audible levels that could make your nose bleed two weeks from now.

Alas, the Star-Spangled Banner isn't going anywhere. And neither are the horrific performances. But just as cacklers have slowly replaced crooners, it's time, at least locally, for the anthem to write a new chapter.

My request: Bring in the band to perform the anthem before EVERY varsity game.

This area has shown a deep, vested passion for the musical arts. In short, band is big here in a way that rivals metropolitan areas such as Sacramento and the Bay Area.

Let's put their talents to use, showcasing their horns, drums, triangles and flutes.

Singing has proven to be a crapshoot.

If we can't get rid of the anthem, let's really honor America with an oft-forgotten American tradition.

Strike up the bands.

Please.

James Burns is managing editor/sports editor of the Sun-Star. He can be reached at jburns@mercedsun-star.com.