In "The Indiana Jones Handbook," Denise Kiernan and Joseph D'Agnese poke their tongues-in-their-cheeks to provide a guide to the film franchise just in time for the release of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."
Very few books set the tone on the copyright page: "We do not guarantee that these instructions are complete, safe or wholly accurate, nor should they be considered a substitute for your good judgment and common sense. If you encounter a poisonous snake, for example, we urge you to ignore the instructions on pages 113-118 and immediately contact the local animal control center." Good idea.
In fact the book is crammed with suggestions that no one should follow, but make for very entertaining reading.
Surviving a plane crash: "Not to focus on the negative here, but if you have taken it upon yourself to fly a plane without any prior training whatsoever, you may be about to crash-land."
Never miss a local story.
Escaping via train-top: "Sooner or later you are going to take on a villain and his goons atop a moving train. The best advice we can offer is: Don't."
How to break a zombie curse: "It's hard to advise what one should do with a zombified colleague in the field."
Vipers and fashion: "Although she never could have anticipated being sealed inside the snake-ridden Well of Souls, (heroine) Marion Ravenwood's ensemble is a perfect example of what not to wear to a snake fest. Open-toed shoes or sneakers are obviously not a good idea on an expedition, no matter how high the mercury rises."
If you haven't recently rewatched the three Indiana Jones movies, then this book will whet your appetite to do so. Only by watching "Raiders of the Lost Ark" can you truly enjoy the last cheerful chapter on "How to escape the Wrath of God."
"So, if you'd like to avoid the fiery consumption, melting your torso and face like one of Madame Tussauds creations in a heat wave, exploding your head, and dissolving as every vestige of your corporeal being is sucked into the heavens, then keep your eyes closed and mind your own business."
A piece of advice that Indiana Jones actually followed.
"The Indiana Jones Handbook: The Complete Adventurer's Guide" by Denise Kiernan and Joseph D'Agnese; Quirk Books ($18.95)