Twice as bad

 When the University of Kansas won the men's national basketball championship last year, I was so happy, I couldn't breath. OK, I was hyperventilating. But it was welcome hyperventilation.

I never imagined the low I would hit one year later, when I met secret agent Jack Quinn and arms dealer Yaz. I lost this year's newsroom bracket competition. I had Memphis beating Duke in the final game ... I know, embarrassing.

And my punishment was watching "Double Team," starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dennis Rodman and Mickey Rourke. It, not surprisingly, won three Razzies in 1997.

The plot was absurd. I would probably use "absurd" to describe most aspects of the movie. But the plot especially. My fiance (yes, he got dragged into this) and I were confused 90 seconds into the action. Van Damme was driving a tank over military folk and police officers, and then he veered into a creek, apparently heading for Mexico. Why? No idea. 

Next scene: Van Damme is lounging outside a beautiful house in the Mediterranean. In mere moments, it is established that he is no longer an agent, has a pregnant girlfriend and someone wants him back in the game. Hmmmm... where could this be headed?

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To keep this short, let me just make a list of the top five most ridiculous things:

5. Computer-savvy monks who look up prescriptions on what I can only describe as what the Internet must have looked like between being a series of tubes and the advent of AOL.

4. A secret agent prison island. The agents are too dangerous to be in society but too valuable to kill. The live on an island resort, playing cards and lounging by the pool. And the only way off is to cut off a fingertip and swim through electrifying lasers.

3. The Coca-Cola product placement. Rodman saves Van Damme, an infant and Mickey Rourke with a well-placed Coke vending machine from a huge ball of fire that destroyed the entire Roman Coliseum. I'm thirsty.

2. Dennis Rodman's basketball moves worked into the action. He pivots, dribbles and shoots bad guys into stand-in nets. Also, I want to know where Rodman got the exploding quarters. He could've used those when he was married to Carmen Electra.

1. Dennis Rodman's hair. It is green with black dots. He gets into a car. Next scene he exits the car with rainbow hair. His hair color is different and obnoxious IN EVERY SCENE, regardless of plot and access to hair stylists. 

There you have it. If any of that confused you, good; I have accurately explained this movie. As for me, I will never pick Duke again. I learned my lesson. And hopefully so did this film's producer. I don't think we'll be seeing a "Triple Team" anytime soon.