God save the Queen -- and Queen, save the United States!

Queen Elizabeth gave her annual Christmas Day address to the English-speaking world Friday. She doesn't have time to answer thousands of letters from Americans begging her to take us back.

Mattel's Barbie doll was reported the top selling Christmas toy this year. She is completely up-to-date. Barbie's Dream House now has a nine-iron in the umbrella stand in case Ken starts going to the toy stores and looking at the other Barbie dolls.

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren. contacted a divorce lawyer after a 15th mistress came out to the tabloids. The list keeps growing. The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp.

Senate Democrats voted early Monday for a health care bill that raises taxes on the rich. Last week, Democrats reinstated the inheritance tax. It's just a matter of time before cops are pulling NBA players out of their cars and arresting them for possession of money.

Roman Polanski's attempt to get his case dismissed in Los Angeles was rejected by the state appeals court unanimously. The last thing we need are kids in Los Angeles flirting with mall Santas, thinking he can get them into the movies.