2009 was a big joke -- this guy oughta know

JANUARY — Barack Obama became America's first black president since the second season of "24."

FEBRUARY — Attorney General Eric Holder was absent from the State of the Union to ensure continuity of government. Why? The destruction occurs when Congress votes, not when it listens.

MARCH — The Ellis Island Library honored a couple who emigrated to America 50 years ago. They raised two sons. One is the head of a Wall Street investment firm, and the other one's in prison, too.

APRIL — Obama went on the air to calm any spreading panic about swine flu. The last outbreak of swine flu was in the late '70s. Forty million people received shots; the rest are still looking for a good vein.

MAY — New York marked Cinco de Mayo with the world's first kosher tequila. It has the Orthodox Union seal on each label, and the worm in the bottle is Bernie Madoff.

JUNE — Michael Jackson's body was found to have contained Valium, Xanax, Paxil, Zoloft, Demerol, Percoset and Propofil. He might be the first man ever to descend to heaven.

JULY — Pope Benedict lectured Obama on reproductive rights. The pope was against surrogate mothers until he decided it was too much paperwork to excommunicate Mary.

AUGUST — Bill Clinton negotiated the release of two young women charged by North Korea with spying. Their plane was met by Al Gore, who negotiated their release from Bill Clinton.

SEPTEMBER — Tea Party protesters marched on the U.S. Capitol. They want limited government, low taxes and liberty. Pigeons landed on them, thinking they were the Founding Fathers.

OCTOBER — Rio de Janeiro was selected to host the 2016 Summer Olympics despite Obama's lobbying for Chicago. Both cities are corrupt and sports-crazed, but Rio won because it is topless.

NOVEMBER — Senate Democrats and Republicans battled over health care reform. Democrats approach health care the same way the Amish hunt: They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it. Republican health care is like one of those hospital gowns that ties in the back: You only think you're covered.

DECEMBER — Obama's poll numbers continued sliding over health care reform, climate change rules and deficits. It's getting personal. Texas auto repair shops started giving out Nobel Peace Prizes with each oil change.