Life after divorce: How Gen Xers learned to thrive after heartbreak

I was 9 years old, hanging out with my best friend in a gift shop that was run by her stepfather. My parents’ 15th wedding anniversary was coming up and I spotted an item on the clearance table that I could afford from my tiny savings – a beautiful china plate with fancy script and laurel leaves in silver. It was beautiful, but I quickly realized it wouldn’t work. The script said “25th anniversary.” Not only was it the wrong year, but, instantly, a dark thought entered my mind: My parents won’t make it to 25 years.

Looking back, there wasn’t anything I recall that indicated their marriage was troubled. It seemed to work fine. But the word “divorce” had started to creep into my playground conversations. The best friend with the stepdad who ran the downtown shop had been the first in my circle of friends to see her parents split up. When I played Barbies at her house, Ken inevitably would become the distant ex-husband now living in Alaska who occasionally dropped into the playhouse.

Unlike any generation before, my generation – the Generation Xers born between 1965 and 1980 – saw divorce become commonplace. It’s not quite true that half of all marriages ever ended in divorce. But the divorce rate did hit a peak of 41 percent, and that rise happened in the 1970s and early ’80s. Those couples who split up were our parents. My generation is the one that stood witness to the divorce binge that swept through our society and broke our familiar frameworks.

I nearly made it out of childhood with my parents intact. Their separation didn’t come until my senior year in high school. And by the time I made it to college, I discovered that the question “So, how did your parents split up?” was a common way to bond with new roommates and co-workers.

For many of us, we vowed that, if we ever got married, it would be for keeps. We’d never force our children to experience the pain and tumult of seeing their homes break apart. I know that was a promise I wanted to make. And I tried. I think we all do, no? Standing there, promising “for better or worse,” I know I sincerely meant it. But life is complicated, and reality takes us to places we never imagined.

The good news – and yes, there is good news – is that the divorce rate has fallen over the past three decades. If current trends continue, nearly two-thirds of couples can expect to see their marriages last, according to data from University of Michigan economist Justin Wolfers that was cited by The New York Times.

There are various reasons for this, Wolfers writes. Fewer people get married in the first place, people wait longer to get married, and it’s become more socially acceptable to be an unwed parent, so there are fewer “shotgun” marriages.

In Merced County, nearly 70 percent of adult residents are married, according to census data cited by Realtor.com. More than 39 percent are married with children, and 21 percent are single parents.

Thirty-seven percent of Merced County residents have never been married, according to data compiled by TownCharts.com. Nine percent are divorced, and 5 percent are widowed.

Families in Merced County are less likely to be led by a married couple – 68 percent – than nearby counties, according to TownCharts.com. That rate compares to 70 percent of homes led by married couples in Stanislaus, 73 percent in Madera and 80 percent in Mariposa. So, as a Merced mom, I’m certainly not alone in managing parenthood on my own.

If there was any good to come from having survived the wave of divorce that swept through my generation’s childhood, it’s that we came away with resilience. After we emerged from our rites of depression and rebellion, many of us managed to rise up and see the world with a new perspective. Perhaps, most remarkably, we were able to see our parents not as the infallible icons of Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver, but as complex and nuanced humans.

This past weekend, I had the happy privilege to celebrate an anniversary – my parents’ 20th. No, not the same couple who gave birth to me – but my dear father and his wonderful wife, my stepmom. I have been blessed to have parents who picked themselves up from their own shattered marriage and went on to build beautiful relationships with others.

The breakup of my home was devastating to my childhood, but the vision it gave me as I matured allowed me to share in the happiness that both my mother and father went on to experience as their lives continued. I also believe it gave me greater appreciation and respect for who they are as people. For that, I am most grateful.

And while I, personally, wasn’t able to give my sons a home with an intact set of parents, I do hope that by showing them that life goes on after divorce, that grown-ups can be civil and loving despite past heartbreak, that they, too, will find resilience and empathy as they go on to experience love themselves.

This story was originally published May 3, 2016 at 3:09 PM with the headline "Life after divorce: How Gen Xers learned to thrive after heartbreak."