Sheryl Sandberg gets it now: ‘Leaning In’ as single mom isn’t easy

When Sheryl Sandberg, the high-soaring Facebook executive, released her book “Lean In” a few years ago, she made a big splash by advising women to climb their career ladders by stepping forward at work with firm belief and determination.

In my case, as a professional woman who had risen from the ranks of journalism intern to management, I was in the demographic expected to welcome her guidance. Instead, I found myself thinking, “Oh, brother.”

Throughout my 20-plus-year career, I’d embraced the advice given to ambitious women – work hard, note your successes, model the habits of those you want to emulate, and network, network, network. It was advice I shared whenever I was asked to speak with up-and-coming journalists.

But when I spoke to groups, one question inevitably would come up, something along the lines of “What is the hardest part about finding success in your industry?” The question was always asked by a young woman. And, when it arose, I would sigh, then speak honestly.

“You have to make a lot of personal sacrifices,” I would tell them. “You have to move a lot, and that’s hard on relationships. Plus, it’s no coincidence that many of the women I know at my same professional level are not mothers.”

The workplace is not built for motherhood. Though women are more likely to work outside of the home than not, the professional world is still built on the 1950s model of a two-parent home with a working dad and stay-at-home mom.

Yet, decades removed from that paradigm, women still are expected to carry the heavy load of child-raising while not just holding down jobs, but figuring out how to advance in our jobs. Almost nothing works in our favor. Quality day care is hard to find, let alone afford. Paid maternity leave is a luxury for most, as is being able to take time to care for sick children. I had to take work trips before my infants were weaned, meaning I was pumping milk in airport restrooms. I missed my first son’s first time onstage, a moment I’ll never get back.

And, if you’re in an industry like mine, you have to expect to move to other cities if you want to climb to higher positions, which means you land in places where you have no family or friends to lean on.

When I tell people that Merced is the fifth city I’ve worked in since becoming a mother (10th in my career, overall), I can see the question forming on their faces before it comes: “But, what does your husband do?”

“Well,” I say, “I’m not married.” And that, actually, has made it easier for me to take the moves and advancements I’ve been offered. But, balancing work with motherhood is anything but easy.

And that’s what irked me about Sandberg’s “Lean In” message. Sure, it may be easy to “lean in” at work when you earn enough to afford a staff of caregivers and household help and you have a fully engaged husband sharing the parental role. But, for women like me, I thought, “Goodness, lady. If I have to lean in any further, I’m going to fall over.”

So, I didn’t pay much attention to the whole “Lean In” movement when it surfaced or the coverage Sandberg received in its wake. I didn’t think much about her at all until last year when, while working in Mexico, I suddenly was chasing reports that her husband had died there, in an accident, while on a family vacation. As the story developed, I found myself wondering how Sandberg would be able to deal with the horrible, sudden loss of her husband while being a top leader at Facebook and a mother at home.

On Mother’s Day, she let us all know.

“This year I am thinking especially of the many mothers across the country and the world who are raising children on their own,” she wrote in a Facebook post. “People become single parents for many reasons: loss of a partner, breakdown of a relationship, by choice. One year and five days ago I joined them.”

“Before, I did not quite get it. I did not really get how hard it is to succeed at work when you are overwhelmed at home,” she said.

After “Lean In” came out, she wrote, “some people felt that I did not spend enough time writing about the difficulties women face when they have an unsupportive partner or no partner at all. They were right.”

Nearly 30 percent of families with children are headed by a single parent, with women taking that role in 84 percent of them, she said.

“Single moms have been leaning in for a long time – out of necessity and a desire to provide the best possible opportunities for their children,” she said.

That’s really what it boils down to, no? We do everything we can – both at work and at home – for our children. I hope that from Sandberg’s position as a leader of the one of the world’s most influential companies, her call to action – to “rethink public and corporate workforce policies” – will lead to change.

This time, Sheryl, I’m not saying “Oh, brother.” I’m saying, “Amen, sister. Amen.”

This story was originally published May 10, 2016 at 4:45 PM with the headline "Sheryl Sandberg gets it now: ‘Leaning In’ as single mom isn’t easy."