With prom, sports and graduation canceled, teens’ struggle with coronavirus is real

Parenting during a time of pandemic is not something the baby books covered. While parents of younger kids are focused on keeping kids busy and entertained right now, some of us are dealing with a whole other challenge: Teens. I can’t begin to express to you the level of intensity parenting my teens has been. It’s a lot.

The first issues we dealt with were the feelings of loss as activities and concerts started to get canceled. No one knew at first how long everything would be on hold. That is the worst part in dealing with my high schoolers — having no idea how long it will go on or how many things it will affect. Not having answers is stressful for all of us.

Paul D. Hastings, a professor of psychology at UC Davis, said the feeling of loss for teens is real and makes sense.

“Whatever their personalities, teens who are deeply connected to social activities that they can no longer safely do — like team sports, dance groups, many kinds of volunteer and religious activities — are likely to feel frustrated or sad or even a deep sense of loss, and those feelings are valid and real,” Hastings said.

It’s especially a time of loss for seniors in high school. Proms and graduations throughout the Sacramento area — and around the country — have been delayed, canceled or drastically altered. That has an impact on kids looking forward to once-in-a-lifetime moments. Especially when teens are used to being with their friends.

“Being a senior approaching the most fun and exciting last parts of high school, accepting social distancing was hard for me at first,” says Sophie Pelletier, 18, a student at Vista Del Lago High School in Folsom.

There is no fix for this situation. Allow your teen the space to grieve the things they are missing. Even when kids can accept that sheltering in place is necessary, it doesn’t mean they won’t — or shouldn’t — feel disappointed about missing the events they had been expecting.

Another issue we dealt with at our house is having an introvert and an extrovert. Social distancing isn’t hard for one, and feels like it might do the other one in. Hastings recommends keeping the individual teen’s personality in mind to help them meet their needs. Your introvert might need time and space to be alone. On the other hand, more socially outgoing teens might have a difficult time with social distancing “unless they can be creative about establishing social venues like chatrooms and zoom parties,” Hastings said.

Help your teen solve some of the core problems they may encounter as creatively as you can. It’s important for kids to feel safe, but also to feel like they have control over some things. My teens share a room, but for the duration of sheltering in place we have set one of them up with a desk and space in the guest room. She has her own space for schooling and she can make all of her many calls and video chats with friends without bothering her sister, who needs more quiet alone time.

Sarah Pelletier is a parent to kids ages 20, 18 and 16. Their family has been following social distancing protocol since March 15. She has been surprised how easily her kids have adjusted to these new but temporary rules.

“Kids think they’re invincible and ours are no exception. However, day by day as increasing numbers went up, they seem to get the severity of the situation more and more,” she said.

One of the main differences I see between my high schoolers and my elementary schooler is the awareness of the situation the teens have. They are in enough online spaces to see news and updates about coronavirus. In some ways this seems to help, as they can see that it’s not just us making up new rules as a reaction. They can see how serious it is.

Of course, I did recently have a teen argue my interpretation of CDC guidelines, which was less fun.

Even so, many teens have a good outlook on the effect of social distancing.

“Social distancing is frustrating because it’s one of those things where you don’t get an immediate outcome. I’m sure the act of social distancing is helping, but as COVID-19 gets worse daily, it can be hard to stay positive. But things will get better because of (social distancing),” Pelletier said.

For a lot of families, the canceled events can mean more quality time together. I know we’ve been enjoying a lot of family movie nights. We are not alone.

“Due to the quarantine we’ve had some nice family dinners discussing not only the seriousness of the situation, but simply pleasant discussions as a family,” Pelletier said. “We’ve done puzzles, yard work and chores with minimal moaning and groaning.”

Same here, but with a little more moaning and groaning.

With extra love and patience, families with teens will get through this. Keri Vogtmann, who is a parent to kids ages 18 and 16, says, “We as a society are in this together; we as a community are in this together; we as a family are in this together. Like any other ongoing challenge, it’s with tenacity and perseverance, that we will get through it. I hope that this pandemic teaches our kids that in the enormity of this situation, how fortunate and lucky they are to have what they have, including their health, shelter, food and a future. We will struggle but come out stronger on the other side.”

This story was originally published April 6, 2020 at 8:36 AM with the headline "With prom, sports and graduation canceled, teens’ struggle with coronavirus is real."