Christmas is a good time to reflect on the value of friendships

The Christmas season is a time for memories, not only of past Christmases but of good times shared with others throughout the year. Primary among our remembrances are those about family members, but we shouldn’t overlook all the good memories we have of friends.

Friendship doesn’t get the appreciation today it deserves. My recent column about the death of a friend reminded me how important friendship is and how often it’s undervalued.

I’m not the only one with this perspective. Earlier this year a writer for Atlantic magazine, Julie Beck, started a regular feature she calls “The Friendship Files.”

“Friendships are rarely considered to be people’s primary relationships,” Beck writes. “That honor falls to family or romantic partners.” But, she adds, friendships, “while not defined by blood or law, shape and anchor our lives, too.”

Christians understand the extraordinary value of friendship. When Jesus told his followers that he didn’t consider them servants but friends, he gave the ultimate blessing to friendship.

A close look at other religions and philosophies will show how much friendship has been valued for centuries, including the friendship of David and Jonathan as described by Jewish religious scribes and the friendship of Damon and Pythias as recounted by ancient Greek writers.

What makes friendship so fascinating to me is the variety of friends a person can have, including friends made as kids, in high school and college, at work and within neighborhoods and communities.

Moreover, there are friends we keep in contact with often and friends we see or talk with only occasionally. And we can have both male and female friends. Most friendships are of the same gender. But close friendships can exist between men and women.

Many people in modern society are quick (and erroneous) to assume close friends of the same gender have a homosexual relationship and male-female friendships are erotic. Such narrow-minded critics don’t realize the spirituality of close friendships, where, as it were, the spirit of one person talks with the spirit of another.

Friendship does require a certain chemistry, which distinguishes a friend from an acquaintance. That chemistry is something we don’t will; it just happens. With an acquaintance we say, “Nice to see you.” With a friend we say, “It’s so good to see you again,” because we feel good in that person’s presence.

The chemistry of friendship is similar to, but different from, the chemistry of romance. That similarity creates a challenge. Today many people often avoid a close friendship because of concern that others will view that relationship erroneously.

We can also have a variety friends reflecting various parts of our personality. No one friend can fill all our friendship needs. Different friends share different interests or perspectives. We may have sports friends, political friends, reading friends, work friends, etc.

Each of us also has casual friends and close friends. Casual friends are those with whom we share conversation and laughs, easily and enjoyably, but with whom we don’t reveal much of our inner selves.

With close friends, sometimes called good friends, we’re willing to share our fears as well as our hopes, our weaknesses as well as are strengths. With a close friend we don’t need to create a façade; we feel free to be who we are.

A friendship can serve as a sanctuary. Among close friends a person can feel safe to reveal inner thoughts and feelings, trusting that a good friend will respect confidentiality and withhold judgment. Indeed, trust is one of the most important elements of a close friendship and needs to be conscientiously and continuously maintained.

Close friends are rare. Most of us have only a few close friends, people we’ve known for a while and with whom we’ve developed a carefully nourished relationship. These are the friends most important to us.

Some of our close friends we’ve had for decades. But we can also develop a close friendship with someone we’ve just recently met. Sometimes it’s a mystery why two people become and stay good friends.

We don’t have to agree with a friend on everything. I have friends who have political or religious beliefs very different from mine. But they share with me other important interests or beliefs, seeing in a similar way qualities I value.

A good friendship requires a balance of giving and taking. Persons who are needy or controlling don’t make good friends. We may assist persons who cling to us for help, but it’s hard to be close friends with them. And anyone who tries to control us ends a possible friendship quickly.

Friendship also comes with caveats. There needs to be space among friends. Close friends usually enjoy solitude; they’re happy when they’re alone. But when they’re together, close friends share and increase each other’s happiness.

I hope, dear reader, you have opportunities during the Christmas season to reflect on your friendships and spend more time with your friends to strengthen and enrich your life.